Monday, April 16, 2012

Disrespect

Hey everyone!
I know I haven't posted in a while, and I keep meaning to do posts on hair and of course, more on makeup, but I was taking a bit of a haitus from the computer and just trying to figure myself out?
Sounds so cliche, I know haha.
But honestly, in my few days without technology I've done a lot of thinking about me and what I want and my life. Sometimes we can all get caught up in our feelings. Like for me, I know sometimes I can get caught up and angry and just sit hold on to it for, not days, but months. Most of the time when this happens, it's because I feel disrespected.
 I always tell myself "I've come too far to be disrespected" "I WON'T be disrespected" "Don't disrespect me then expect anything until you admit that you're wrong and have apologised."
Something along those lines.
I was just thinking back about this girl who, I felt, really disrespected me. The conversation went a bit like this:
(Names changed out of respect for everyone involved! and most curse words bleeped)
You= My boyfriend
Orange= girl i've NEVER really met, she was one of my close friend's new girlfriends, and she had added me on facebook a while before this conversation took place (apparently she added any girls he was close to so she could "check up" on them)
Mark= Orange's boyfriend, and a close friend of my boyfriend and I
Ugly a$$ sh!t GF = ... me apparently.

Omg
Me and Mark r over
[You]
1:11am
why
[Orange]
1:12am
Today when we talked Mark was like I took pics just for u. But on his wall the girl was like the pic is too blurry and seein ur face makes me smile. Doesn't that mean he took them for her?
Omg
Plus
It's easier to b sibgle
[You]
1:12am
lmfao
ahaha Sarah...
theyre friends dude
chill out
[Orange]
1:13am
Such an ugly name
[You]
1:13am
why are you so insecure
[Orange]
1:13am
Idc I'm sick of being wid one guy
I am not!
I didn't notice it till Mark showed me
[You]
1:13am
a random girl commenting on a pic bothered you
[Orange]
1:13am
Nick said it was nudes
She commented too?
[You]
1:13am
idk you just said
[Orange]
1:14am
Idk idc honestly
[You]
1:14am
he told her off for you too
hope you realize that
[Orange]
1:14am
Omg
Idc
[You]
1:15am
 well i hope you feel bad for wasting his time
[Orange]
 1:16am
Atleast m goodlooking and sweet. I fukin told him so did his frnd so did my frnd that I was a flrt
Go head
U man whote
Whore
Atleast he can get a goodlooking girl
[You]
1:17am
lmao
awww youre cute like a middle schooler
youre a girl not a woman
[Orange]
1:17am
Ur gf has a fat @ss nose her features are over sized
That's what everyone wants in a woman
[You]
1:17am
shes mixed you retard
[Orange]
1:17am
Exactly shes blak
So
[You]
1:18am
so shut up?
[Orange]
1:18am
She's not goodlooking
[You]
1:18am
thats not true at all
 [Orange]
1:18am
I Habe higher standerds cuz I can afford to raise the bar u cnt
Dnt need to
U cnt change the size of ur features
Thro pics
[You]
1:19am
TYPE A SENTENCE CORRECTLY YOU MORON
[Orange]
1:20am
Why dnt u use ur tiny ugly @ss eyes to read
[You]
1:20am
how did you graduate high school?
like honestly
you hook up with your teachers?
 [Orange]
1:21am
Dnt apply ur physic to me
[You]
1:21am
THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE
[Orange]
1:22am
It means
Jus cuz u do sh!t doesn't mean I do
[You]
1:22am
how am i a whore?
explain that first part
thats right
shut your mouth because you dont know what youre talking about
[Orange]
1:24am
Sigh
[You]
1:24am
break it off with mark pleaseeeeee
he doesnt deserve such a terrible persson
[Orange]
1:25am
U dersrve ur gf cuz she's sh!t likw u
:):)
[You]
1:25am
now youre embarrassing yourself hun
[Orange]
1:25am
How many times does she shower? Once a month?
[You]
1:25am
lmao
making sh!t up now?
this is classic.
stop calling everyonea whore and be okay with yourself.
 [Orange]
1:27am
Ud Noe ur gf falls in that category.
[You]
1:28am
this is what you come up with..via fbook pictures?
[Orange]
1:29am
Sigh. Look ur girl is ugly @ss sh!t accept it stop lying to urself. Ur ugly as well. So get a life and stfu

Now, reading over this did make me laugh, because my boyfriend is EXTREMELY passive, so when he initially sent this to me, he was like "I"m sorry! I know i couldve defended you more" And I rolled my eyes because I know he couldn't have because it's just not really the way he is, but for as much as i pretended to not care about the things she said -- the comments and the racial slurs-- I found myself getting angrier and angrier.
I kept telling myself I shouldn't, because the real issue here, wasn't about me at all. If anything it was about her and Mark, but i just let myself be this angry person.
After two days of just working myself up I ended up calling Mark and (me, being much more agressive than my boyfriend...) cursing him out to "get his girl in line. and are you really gonna let her talk to your friends like that? I demand you tell her to come say those things to my face" and stuff like that.

Of course, in the end she chickened out of ever meeting up with me to just apologise and straighten things out. Shocker there. But it's been about a year since then, and we have still never talked, until one day I was hanging out with a friend who knows her. I told the friend about this situation and told them I don't hate her, but until she apologises to me, she can basically go you-know-what herself. Well, not shortly after this conversation who should pop up on facebook chat but her.

All it said was "hey"

and I knew it would lead to an apology. I KNEW. I knew maybe she was going to try to make things right. But I couldn't let her have that.

So I never responded.
Of course, since I made that bed, I'm laying in it, I dont expect an apology anymore, because I closed that door. But I wondered why didn't I just say "Hey" back? Did I WANT to be angry with her?

And then I realized, it's because the reason i was angry was never about the things she said. The things other people say to us, rarely ever are about what that person thinks or what they said. What do I care what she thinks? I know her as well as she knows me!
So what is it then?
It's what we think of ourselves. It's not that I was unhappy with the things she said, it's that I was unhappy that she was pointing out something that I was unhappy with myself!
It's about what *I* thought of me. It's about what *I* thought of my own features.
The whole time I was holding on to my anger, it's because I wasn't ready to accept that for myself yet. And I really think, deep down, I couldn't let her apologise like I claimed I wanted to, because I hadn't accepted those things in myself yet. To this day sometimes when I see a picture of myself I think "Are my features oversized??" and things like that. Or i'll think "My boyfriend never responded, 'HOW DARE YOU! SHE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE IN THE WORLD!' so what does THAT mean??"

At the end of the day, I've found that "disrespect" which was for so long my biggest pet peeve, and something I found "Unforgivable" without some outrageous form of apology or compensation should be the most simple thing to fix, because it's all about how you insult YOURSELF out of another person's mouth.

So next time you say "I've come too far to be disrespected", meaning I've come to far in my self-worth or confidence to let someone knock me down, maybe think about how this could really mean "I've buried my insecurities so deeply, that I'm terrified to let them be brought back up."

And even if your confidence isn't where you want it to be yet, I know EACH of us had had a situation where someone has stopped to let you know that you are beautiful, whether inside or out.
A girl from my highschool, who I never really talked to randomly messaged me this one day, and I really can't thank her enough:

truth is (I know, you didn't even ask) is I always admired you for how courageous you were with fashion and how outrageous you were and what a wonderful personality you had. I always wished I could be as beautiful as you...I counted you in my top 5 (in no specific order) of prettiest girls in our school and I always loved being around you...just thought you should know how wonderful you are.

I'm not sure what prompted her to let me know this, but it's things like this that you never know could make someone's day!
I know I purposely go out of my way to let someone know they look good, when I think they look good, but that's a post for another day. (:

I don't really know why I posted this, but maybe it'll help someone who finds themself dealing with similar issues.

But there you go! How about that... a post on inner beauty (:

Maybe we're all a little insecure. Maybe some of us are a lot insecure. That's okay! But next time you're feeling "less than" know that sometimes you're the only one standing in your way of just being enough.

That's all for now!
-Kissa

Maybe she's born with it...

Maybe it's maybelline?

Raw and unedited.
YOU.ARE.BEAUTIFUL.
(:

1 comment: